That is what it is all about FEAR. Fear is what leads us so many times to look to ourselves for the answers rather than trusting in God. Fear helps us to keep those idols around, to concentrate on them.
After having Ethan, I knew I wanted to have more children. I loved being a mom. We did not waste time trying for #2, we wanted our kids to be close in age, to be playmates and good friends. That's where the brakes slam on-SCREECH!!!! So that may have been my plan but what about God's plan. As time passed, I began to get really scared, what if Ethan was going to be our only child, would that be okay. I began to become jealous of all my friends who were on baby #2 or #3, what about us God? And so my Idol entered the picture, just like Sarah (Genesis 16) I became fixated on having another child. I purchased countless ovulation kits, things you spit on and the such, began tracking my temperature each day, okay honey I think these are our 3 days this month time to get to work. I would continue to take my temperature, over analyze every feeling inside my body, and disappointment would come every month. Then I would start the process all over again, again and again.........Where was God? Why was He making this so difficult? If only I knew then what I know now......I wasn't following Him and putting my hopes and trust in Him, instead I was putting it in my false idol. The hope that each month this would be the month, I would have done everything "humanly" possible to make sure of it.
It is easy to see how we fall into the trap. At the heart of my idol is something good, having children, growing our family. But no matter what I did, it would not fufill me nor fix the problem. But I kept on trying, specialists thats what I needed. It worked for other people surely it would work for us. So the long process of testing, injections, treatments and on and on. Again hope, hope that this time was it, this time God would bless us. After all we had already made it trough so many trials in our quest.
Okay so that did not work either, okay on to my next try, how about adoption. That would be fool proof right. And what is better than following God's command of caring for widows and orphans. Again fear began to lead, and I tried to control every aspect of our paperwork. Getting in quickly as I knew the wait was growing. I could not let our children be 7 or 8 years apart.
Finally, a year into the process of adoption and 5 years into our trying for #2, I began to "get it." This was not it my control, I could not fix it. It was all in His hands. Once I turned it over to him, gave up my idol and looked to Him for my treasure that is when it happened. I felt an overwhelming peace, a peace beyond all others. I knew that it would all work out in time, I was treasuring Him and that was enough. That is when we met our Charlotte, and our family would finally be a family of 4. It could not have been anymore perfect. And I have never seen the face of God as clearly as I did the day she was first placed in our arms.
So knowing this, and experiencing all He can accomplish, then why do my idols still creep back in. That is the downside of being human. We are constanly challenged to follow Him, to always make room in hearts for Him. I am really trying though, it is not easy some days. Knowing the joy I have from Charlotte and Ethan makes me want to increase that joy. But I have to wait on God, go where He leads not just where I want to go. I have to treasure Him first, knowing that it will all fall into place just as it is supposed to. Just like it did for Sarah, she got her treasure and it was so great that it just made her laugh. How is God making you laugh?
